dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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