We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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