Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
