fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I will die if light touches me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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