I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I won the penis lottery.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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