life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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