remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
