Swine flu. Run for my life!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
