The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize