Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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