I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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