Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
