M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
