watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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