I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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