he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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