that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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