She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
