I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
