You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
