I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
