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ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
