Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize