I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
