She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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