Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
