I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
