I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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