It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
