there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
