Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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