so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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