Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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