I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
