i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize