Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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