the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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