i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
