Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize