Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
