Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
