The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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