I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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