If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
