Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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