why didn't you poke me back
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
