Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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