Someone shit on the floor
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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