I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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