I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
