i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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