hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
