Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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