i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
