I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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