this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
