I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
