And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
