The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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