Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize