im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
