omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
