Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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