I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
