chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
