my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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