Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
