This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
