So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
