who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
