Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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