Rock
Scissors
Fuck
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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