you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
